Nobody Wants Me

My mother told me my birth story the other day. I realized that because of some circumstances that happened that were out of her control, I was basically born with the script of "Nobody Wants Me" ... and it was completely and utterly ingrained in me within my first 24 hours of life. I just realized that is the main script that has been running my life for 35 years!

Ever since then, I have been looking for "evidence" that this idea is true. My sister was born 18 months after me and I was jealous. I would bite her fingers when my mom wasn't looking. After all, my parents must not want me if they decided to have another baby.

During my growing up years I repeatedly heard the story about, "You cried all the time and we didn't know what to do with you. Mom tried everything and nothing made you happy except hanging Christmas lights above your crib. You must have been colicky." They didn't realize that it was because I was immediately taken away from my mother upon birth and didn't see her again for who knows how long?

It was hard for me to make friends when I was younger. I was too "shy". But now I see that it's because I thought that nobody wanted me. I skipped first grade because I could read before I was in Kindergarten, and I was sure that none of the kids in second grade wanted me there. I always "knew" they were jealous that I had skipped a grade. I was the weirdo.

Instead of being happy with the friends I had, I always wanted to have the friends that seemed unreachable. I always wanted to be with the "popular" kids. But I wasn't pretty enough, didn't have the right clothes, wasn't cool, was too smart. So, when they didn't want me I had more evidence!

I never had a boy ask me out until college. I knew there were a couple of boys who liked me in junior high and high school, but they were the "nerds" ... not the super hot, most popular guy in school that I always had a crush on. So, I rebuffed their admiring and I had a crush on the completely unattainable guy instead. Because I knew that "nobody wanted me".

I have been married and divorced twice. So, obviously someone wanted me at one point, but then somehow stopped wanting me. I can choose to let this destroy me, or I can learn the lesson that the Universe has for me to learn.

Why do we do sabotage ourselves? I believe it's because our brains have an insatiable need to "be right" ... We love self-fulfilling prophecies. It is part of the "Natural Man". It's one of the things we need to overcome while we're here.

So, I'm learning to tell myself that God wants me, and I want me, and that's enough. And you know what? I can see plenty of evidence throughout my life of people that "want" me... for a friend, a sister, a mother, and a lover. And I can make that mean whatever I want it to mean.

I choose to feel loved. I choose to feel needed (in a healthy, non-codependent way!). 

I choose to be Wanted.

What do you choose?

Love thy neighbor AS THYSELF

I just learned that my divorce is final, as of yesterday.

I'm not sure whether to be "happy" or sad.

I've worked through most of the sad feelings, the denial, the hurt, the anger, the betrayal, the stress, the shock, the pain, the devastation. I've worked through the feelings that somehow I did it again... I chose another relationship that didn't last. You see, this is my second divorce.

I thought, a few times... what is wrong with me? I know that I got an answer from God both times I got married that I was supposed to marry that person. So, why did things end this way? I thought this would be forever? I thought we were "made for each other".

But, in truth, I didn't really know what love is. I didn't know how to give or receive true love. I didn't know that to love myself was my most important priority. I thought that I had to completely lose myself in the service and love of other people in order to be "enough". In order to be "ok". In order to be "loved".

So, after my first marriage ended, I jumped right into another relationship. I didn't take the time to take care of myself and learn what I could have done differently in choosing my first husband. Consequently, I didn't realize that my second marriage was really just a much stronger form of the codependency that had been feeding my life.

Carol Tuttle, in her book Remembering Wholeness says this:
            "Life is a mirror reflecting back at us what we believe about ourselves. If we don't learn the lesson, the experience will repeat itself and become more and more intense until we pay attention, get the information, and change our beliefs."

Marriage is a work in progress. Both partners have to be committed to the transformation that occurs when the initial attraction, the "eros" wears off. When both of my marriages started to get difficult, I thought that I just needed to try harder, to serve more, to become more. When all of my "changes" didn't work, I would try to "change" my husband. This is not the way to create a deeper connection and stronger relationship.

A year ago I started to learn about codependency. I started to dismantle the careful web of control that I had wrapped around my life. I started to take care of myself, and let others take care of themselves. If felt like my life was imploding. Frankly, it was terrifying. I remember full blown panic attacks, complete with sobbing, hyperventilating, and shaking.

Needless to say, it has been a long and difficult road. I feel like I have been through the wringer. But, as I slowly let go of that control, my energy and vibration started to raise. My eyes started to open for the first time to all that I had attracted into my life. I am learning that the Law of Attraction truly works - in both positive and negative manifestations. We get to choose what we attract.

Most of my life, I have attracted people that "needed" me to "take care of them", because I needed people to take care of. I never realized that the most important person to take care of was myself.

Now - putting yourself first may sound "selfish" to some of you - and the opposite of what you have thought your whole life. What was actually selfish was my way of being. I was like a parasite - not able to function and "be ok" unless I had other people's problems to take care of.

You may have heard of the commandment to "Love thy neighbor AS THYSELF." ... Heather Madder opened my eyes on that one. How can we love another person IF WE DON'T FIRST LOVE OURSELVES?

We can't. We cannot give love to another person if we don't have any love to give. We can only have a reservoir of love big enough to share if we have stocked that reservoir full of love for ourselves first. Of course, we need to love God first. That is the number one priority. And, our loving Father asks us to love OURSELVES, and our NEIGHBORS in return for the love that he gives us.

Carol Tuttle:
            "We come into this world with the need to be validated that we are loveable. We are looking for someone -- primarily our parents -- to tell us that we are important, we are loved and cherished, and that we count, free of any conditions. Even though our spirit knows we are loveable, our cognitive physical self needs to hear that. We need to be validated through our infancy, childhood, and teen years as we move through different developmental stages. If we were not given that message and our environment caused us to feel threatened or unsafe, we are still looking to have the message that we are loveable given to us as adults. We are stuck in patterns of codependency: looking for love and validation outside of ourselves."

"I am worthy of real love. I deserve to be loved and admired by a healthy, loving person. I am attracting people that can and want to create healthy, loving relationships with me. I am ending relationships that cannot be healthy. God loves me, and I love myself."

And that, my friends, is why I know I'll be ok even though I have been divorced twice. Because now I know how to give myself the love and validation that I've been looking for all my life. And I know that I deserve to attract a healthy, loving relationship.

And that is why I can now feel peace and gratitude for the opportunity to move on.

What is your True Purpose?

Have you ever seen the movie "Labyrinth"?

Ok, first of all... I don't know why but David Bowie is totally hot in that movie. Maybe it's the hair?

Secondly... I had a total inspiration about this movie the other day. Here is the synopsis: "15-year-old Sarah accidentally wishes her baby half-brother, Toby, away to the Goblin King Jareth who will keep Toby if Sarah does not complete his Labyrinth in 13 hours."

Sarah is an aspiring actress and loves to act out the story of "The Labyrinth" ... however, she always forgets the most important line in the story. She has some big self-confidence and trust issues to overcome.

Near the end of the movie, the Goblin King is trying to convince Sarah to forget about her little brother... to forget her TRUE PURPOSE, and he promises her what he thinks she wants: beauty, love, riches, a false sense of security...

Does this sound familiar yet? Have you ever listened to those little voices in your head that try to distract you from your True Purpose? (Please tell me I'm not the only one.) Those voices are something we have to combat on a daily basis.

Here's what Sarah finally figures out in the end... she has the Power to tell the Little Voices (Jareth) to stop trying to control her life and her choices. She remembers the most important line of the story:

"YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME."

Please remember, as the little voices in your head are bombarding you throughout the day, telling you:

"You're not enough."
"You're lazy."
"You'll never achieve that goal."
"You're ugly."
"You're fat."
"Give up."

...

You have the Power to tell those voices to stop.

You have the Power to Choose your Life. Exactly how you want it.

Are you ready to take responsibility for your thoughts 

and take back Your Power?

Food is not Love

Many of us, for many different reasons, did not get our emotional needs met as infants and small children. Because of that, "we are stuck in patterns of co-dependency: looking for love and validation outside of ourselves." 

Carol Tuttle discusses this in her book, Remembering Wholeness. There is a chapter called "Ten Lies We Think Are Love". One of the things that I struggle with, is believing that "Food is Love". Here is what Carol says about that:

            "Our bodies require love through appropriate touch. When that need has not been met, we often turn to food to fill us. The root cause of all addictions is the body's need for attention. Food feels good to the body. The body will begin to believe food is love and continually seek it out to get the feeling of sweetness and fullness that the energy of real love gives us when it is open and flowing in our being."

Some of the other false beliefs we may hold are: "Sex is love," "Money is love," "I have to be sick or ill to be loved," "I have to fix people to be loved." That last one is another biggie for me.

            "Many people have a deeper belief that if they are not helping people get better they have no value. If they have no value, they cannot be loveable. The problem with this pattern is that if you need to fix sick and dysfunctional people in order to feel loveable, you will continually attract these people into your life and they will not get well. You need them to be "unfixable" so you can stay "loveable".

Oh Boy has that been an issue for me! I release the false belief that I have to fix people to be loved. I know that I have inherent value and worth and I am attracting healthy people into my life!  ..... *phew* That feels better.

So ... what do we do to heal these patterns? I highly recommend you check out Carol's book. :) I am really just scratching the surface here to introduce the concept to you, Beloved Reader. It's all about healing your beliefs. "Whatever you believe, both subconsciously and consciously is what you are getting in life."

Here are some affirmations for you.

            "I am worthy of real love. I deserve to be loved and admired by a healthy, loving person. I am attracting people that can and want to create healthy, loving relationships with me. I am ending relationships that cannot be healthy. God loves me, and I love myself."

What can you do today to show real, healthy love to yourself?

To Should or Not To Should?

"I should get up earlier."

"I should go to bed earlier." 

"I should eat healthier." 

"I should exercise." 

"YOU should work harder." 

"YOU should be nicer to me." 

"YOU should chill out."

How many of us run around "Shoulding" on ourselves and other people all day? That is a totally disempowering way of being. What if we spent more time thinking this way:

"What do I WANT to do? I want to be healthier.

"How do I accomplish that goal?" ...

Then, we turn all of those "shoulds" into affirmations: first person, present-tense, as if we are already doing them. Just try it for a week or two. You will be amazed at the results.

"I am an early riser. I jump out of bed at 6:00 am every morning, 

excited to start my day!"

"I love to take care of my body by going to bed by 11:00 every night. 

I am getting plenty of rest."

"I take care of my body by feeding it nutritious, raw, whole foods. Eating healthy feels and tastes so good! My body has so much energy and I easily fight off infections."

"I exercise three times a week. My body craves the energy that I get from exercising and I feel so good when I do it!"

And, while you're at it... why don't you resign as being General Manager of the Universe for a week. Instead of "shoulding" on other people, make sure they know you love them. Regardless of their choices, regardless of what you think they "should" be doing. 

Remember that whole "Do Unto Others as you would have them Do Unto You" thing? Do you like it when people are constantly telling you what to do? I have found that people respond more favorably when I <3 LOVE <3 them for who they are, no matter their choices and, without judgment. So....

"I love everyone for who they are, regardless of their choices."

What affirmations will help you this week?

Small & Simple Things

Have you ever read the book The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson? It's a phenomenal book, and a fun read. I highly recommend it as a great resource for reaching goals, whether they be spiritual, physical, mental, or financial goals.

In this book, Mr. Olson talks about how making very small, consistent, daily actions towards your goals is actually more powerful and will net greater results that are more long-lasting, than putting things off to the last minute and making a big push right before your goal achievement date.

We can apply this to our search for peace.

Here are a few small things you can do each day or each week to help you move forward in that goal:
                *Pray
                *Meditate
                *Read an uplifting book
                *Take 10 deep breaths
                *Put Wild Orange and Frankincense essential oils on your heart
                *Do something on your Joy List
                *Write a list of things you're grateful for
                *Listen to classical music
                *Yoga exercises
                *Take a walk
                *Think grateful thoughts
                *Get a massage
                *Take a nap

When beginning a new habit, it is best to start small. Sometimes when we get inspired and excited about making changes we want to jump in with both feet. Then when we don't meet our own expectations we beat ourselves up for it. "I was going to exercise EVERY DAY this week, and I "only" did it FIVE times... so I'm a FAILURE!" (Please tell me I'm not the only one that thinks that way??)

So, start small. Commit to do ONE of these ideas, and choose how many days this week you will do it. Then CELEBRATE and ACKNOWLEDGE yourself for your progress - even if you don't completely hit your goal!

If we change our thoughts from, "I never accomplish my goals" or "I am a failure" to... "I am doing my best" and "Look at what I accomplished!" we can re-program our brains, which will bring greater success. Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life, and Carol Tuttle's book, Remembering Wholeness both discuss this concept and teach you how to do it.

What ONE THING will you do this week to help you cultivate peace?

The Joy List

When was the last time you did something that makes you happy?

Do you even know what makes you happy?

I learned this trick from Tiffany Peterson at her Elevation retreat last weekend. Make a Joy List. Write down at least 30 things that make you happy. Try to have 15 things that don't cost money, and the other 15 can cost any amount of money you wish.

Then, here's the trick. Do at least ONE thing per week. That's it. Just one.

You'll be surprised at the peace you feel when you remember to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

Women are so good at taking care of everyone else. Many many times we forget to take care of ourselves, which robs us of our peace.

What did you do to Take Care of YOU this week? 

Peace is Possible

My intention with this blog is to provide tools and inspiration for those that are seeking peace... especially Mommies like me!

Many cultures today are obsessed with more... Bigger... BETTER! We are in a frantic race to get the newest, the most popular, the best.

We think we can only be happy WHEN...
I will be happy when the house is clean.
I will be happy when the food is cooked.
I will be happy when the homework is done.
I will be happy when I am rich.
I will be happy when my children are grown.
I will be happy when ...

If we continue to think those thoughts, I'm sorry to say that we will NEVER be happy. We will NEVER find peace.

If you are ready for peace, happiness, and a simpler life, you are in the right place. I look forward to sharing some of the things that I have learned with you. I look forward to learning from you.

Happiness is not a journey, or a process, or an elusive thing that only lives on "Someday Isle"...

Happiness is a choice. Peace is possible.

It's time to choose.

When will you be happy?