Resistance

Last week I was driving on the freeway to get to a meeting. In an attempt to avoid an accident, I drove over half of a tire that was in my lane and then said some swear words as I exited the freeway.

Praying that the tire had not caused too much damage to my undercarriage (probably could have prayed for forgiveness for swearing), I continued on my way to my appointment. At first there seemed to be nothing wrong with my car. However, it soon started to bounce slightly as I continued down the road. My vehicle is equipped with air-bag suspension, and having had previous experience with this type of suspension being damaged, I knew that something was wrong. Since I was almost to my appointment, I decided to wait until afterward to assess the damage.

An hour and a half later, I came back and noticed that the entire rear end of my car was noticeably lower. I was right - the air-bags had been damaged. I was about 15 miles away from my apartment, with no other way of getting home and only an hour until my girls needed to be picked up from school.

(This is not my car, but it is exactly what it looked like. 

People actually do this to their cars on purpose?)

I'm not gonna lie - I was pretty stressed out. My insurance company said there was nothing they could do since I only have liability coverage. The mechanic I called wanted to charge $100 just to look at it. Driving at 25 mph kept the bouncing to a minimum, but the problem needed to be fixed.

This is what we like to call "Resistance". Here you are, living your life, trying to do good things, and all of a sudden CRAP HAPPENS.

What do you do when Resistance shows up in your life? Sometimes we think, "Well, this really difficult circumstance happened, so that must mean _____."

Does it mean that I should be angry?
Does it mean that I should give up?
Does it mean that I must be making the wrong choice?

It means whatever you choose to make it mean.

So, after I spent some time fretting and complaining, I decided to look at other options. Thankfully, I have an amazing boyfriend and a fantastic dad, who both know a lot about cars. They were able to collaborate over the phone and figure out a couple of options. I parked the car at my apartment and rented a car, expecting that I'd need to do so for at least a week. We ordered a conversion kit to give the car normal spring coil suspension, in case the air bags were damaged. Thanks to my boyfriend we got an AMAZING deal online for that kit.

As luck would have it, my parents were actually flying to AZ to visit me that weekend. Without being asked, Dad brought his grubby clothes and as soon as we got to my apartment he climbed under the car, examined the problem, and was able to fix it. I was able to return the rental car that afternoon, which saved me a ton of money. We can still do the conversion to regular suspension when we are ready, but in the meantime my car is fixed.

When Resistance shows up, instead of blaming, getting mad, or giving up, it usually helps more to ask: What can be learned from this experience? What blessings can I see in the middle of this problem?

For me, in this situation, I got to learn more about my boyfriend and how he handles problems. He was very level-headed, selfless, and altruistic in the face of a big problem. I got to learn more about my dad, who exhibited all of those qualities as well, as he has my whole life. They got to meet each other and find out that they have many things in common. Even though it was a big problem, it was fixed with minimal cost, time, and stress. The situation could have been much worse.

So, today I am thankful for learning experiences that seem like trials, and for opportunities to grow. I'm thankful for the great support network in my life. I'm thankful for blessings that come in the form of adversity.

Incidentally, I'm also thankful for the opportunity to learn through joyful, abundant, peaceful experiences and welcome more of those into my life!

Endure to the End: How to Achieve Goals

Many of us have heard scriptures about enduring to the end ...

Those who endure to the end shall be lifted up.

Those who endure to the end shall be saved.

Blessed is he who endureth to the end. 

He who endureth to the end will be held guiltless.

Those who endure to the end shall not be cast out.

Receive remission of sins, through Christ, by endurance of faith on his name to the end. 

Those who endure in faith shall partake of glory.

Those who endure valiantly will receive thrones and dominions.

So, what does it mean to "endure"?

In the dictionary, it says: "To hold out against", "To bear without resistance, or with patience", To continue to exist".

That still feels pretty vague to me. So, what are the action steps we need to take to be able to endure to the end? Elder L. Tom Perry says there are five steps:
1- Repentance - we must be clean. Ideally, we repent moment by moment, but we also attend Sacrament Meeting each week to partake of the sacrament and renew our baptismal covenants.
2- Live worthy to have the Holy Ghost in our lives, to guide and sanctify us.
3- Be an integral part of a community of saints. Serving and receiving service from our brothers and sisters in the gospel.
4- Share the gospel with others. We will receive great blessings as we do so, one of which is that our own testimony will take deeper root.
5- Always maintain faith and hope in Christ, by praying, fasting, and reading the scriptures. These practices will fortify us against the subtle schemes and fiery darts of the adversary.

We have just begun a New Year, and many people have made "resolutions" to improve their lives. Habits they want to create or sustain, goals they want to achieve, action steps they want to take.

A statistic says that only 8% of people actually achieve their New Year's Resolutions. I think this is because we don't really know the correct process for achieving a goal. One of the systems that I like to use when setting goals, is the "SMART" method.

1- Specific (or Significant) - You can say, "I want to read my scriptures more." but, what does that mean? Make sure your goals are specific.
2- Measurable (or Meaningful) - How will you know when you accomplish your goal? How long will you need to work on that goal for it to become a habit?
3- Attainable (or Action-Oriented) - If you say, "I want to read my scriptures for 30 minutes every day", but you haven't read your scriptures consistently in a very long time, that will be harder for you to achieve. Instead, start small - I'm going to read one chapter a day, 3x a week. It takes 30 days for a habit to become regular, and another 60 days for it to become unconscious. So, don't beat yourself up if it takes a while to get up to reading 30 minutes a day.
4- Relevant (or Rewarding) - Make sure that your goals fit your life. Don't try to compare yourself with other people, or with what you think someone else wants you to achieve. You are responsible for your own life, and it is important to let others be responsible for theirs. If you are constantly trying to be like someone else, you will never feel fulfillment, joy, or peace. Decide what YOU want and need to accomplish in your life, and make the steps to achieve those goals.
5- Time-bound (or Trackable) - If you set a deadline, or a time period in which to achieve your goal, it creates an urgency to help you have motivation. If you don't know where the "finish line" is, how will you ever get to it?

Another important thing is to focus on one goal at a time. Too many times we glorify the virtue of "Multi-tasking". Women are especially guilty of this, because we consider ourselves "good" at it, but I know for myself as I overschedule my time by multi-tasking, I actually rob myself of peace and productivity. Being able to focus on one specific goal at a time, create it into a solid habit, and then move onto the next habit I want to create has been much more effective for me.

I like to choose a goal in five main areas in my life and work on creating a new habit in each area. The areas are: Spiritual, Physical, Relationships, Personal Development, and Financial. When I give myself a huge to-do list I get really overwhelmed and end up quitting a lot sooner. Breaking large goals down into small action steps and celebrating my accomplishments helps those action steps become unconscious habits.

There is no commandment that says, "Thou shalt do it All."

Another really important thing to add is to celebrate when you accomplish a goal, even if it's really small. Rewarding yourself when you take an action step helps your brain want to do that action step again. It can be as simple as shouting, "I accomplished my goal today! I am awesome!!!" or you can give yourself a piece of chocolate. :) Any type of celebration will help you want to keep moving forward and completing those steps every day.

I know that if we endure to the end and create goals for ourselves we will receive the greatest reward of all, which is eternal life with our Father in Heaven. And if we are waiting for that day to come to finally celebrate our accomplishments, we are robbing ourselves of the peace, joy, and gratitude that we can experience every day. Heavenly Father gives us a pat on the back by sending the Spirit to fill our hearts when we do good things. He wants us to celebrate our accomplishments, no matter how big or small.

As we work on enduring to the end, we can remember that putting one foot in front of the other, consistently moving towards the goals that we have for our lives and that Heavenly Father has inspired us to achieve is the best thing we can do. Choose one thing to work on, and "Try a Little Harder to Be a Little Better" (Gordon B. Hinckley). Then, just do five percent more on that goal. Ask yourself, "If I were to give 5% more in my spiritual life, what would that look like?"

We are not expected to be perfect in this life. Progress is better than perfection. That is what "Endure to the End" is all about - Progress, not Perfection. We all know that it is IMPOSSIBLE for us to be perfect in this life, so why do we keep trying to be, and beating ourselves up when we fail?

I know that we can be happy and choose to have joy and peace in our lives as we work towards our goal of eternal life. I know that our Father in Heaven is pleased with our efforts to progress, no matter how big or small. I know that he loves me and he loves you, and I know that you are worthy to receive everything He has in store for you, just by virtue of being you. I invite you to step into your power as a son or daughter of God and create the life that He meant for you to have.

What can you do to give 5% more in an area of your life?

Order out of Chaos

This morning I sorted through and organized my jewelry box. I was amazed to see how many things I had that I hadn't worn in 15-20 years or more. The box was stuffed full and it was hard to find the things that I like and wear on a regularly basis.

Some of the items had sentimental value, but most of it was just stuff. As I sorted through, it felt good to discard the things that really didn't matter. I had a bunch of single earrings that had lost their mates. A bunch of silver things that were now tarnished. A handful of things that are not my style and never really were, but somehow I just couldn't get rid of them.

What an amazing, cleansing feeling it gave me to create order in that small part of my life. Kirk Duncan teaches that "Order" is one of the most basic, primal needs of human beings. The more parts of our life that are out of order, the more we are living in chaos and disorder, blocking the flow of the things that we want to come into our life.

I'm grateful for the things that I have and for the stewardship I have over them. When I create order out of chaos, I feel powerful and the creative juices flow, allowing for me to have more peace, joy, and gratitude.

Any time of year is good for creating order. Baby steps are the key. Organize a silverware drawer, the movie or book shelves, clean out a closet, or your car. One thing at a time. As you create order in your life, and as you create a vacuum by giving up things that no longer serve you, more of the things that you want/desire/need can come into your life.

What can you put in Order today?

Is your Life Force being sucked out of you?

Ok, admittedly I am a child of the 80's, which is why I reference so many 80's movies.

Have you ever seen "The Dark Crystal" by Jim Henson? Remember the part where they capture the podlings, put them in a chair, and then let the Crystal suck their Life Force out, so that the Skeksis' can drink it and stay young?

That's how I felt towards the end of my second marriage. And I take full responsibility for that way of being. I allowed myself to be used, abused, neglected, and unappreciated ... BY MYSELF, more than anyone else around me.

I was committed to being co-dependent. I thought that being "self-less" meant sacrificing my needs for the needs of everyone I cared about. I thought that "service" meant doing everything for everyone else and not taking care of myself. My self-worth was practically non-existent.

I neglected to take the time after my first marriage to heal myself, to get to know myself and take care of myself. When a man came along that was interested in me and pursued me, I jumped into another relationship, thinking that he could "save me" and that I would "save him" and his children.

I am so grateful for the experiences that I have had, especially over the last 13 years. I have learned a lot about myself that I may never have learned without these experiences. I have learned a lot about love, service, and self-lessness that has served me. I choose to no longer let my Life Force be sucked out of me by anyone, for any reason.

My new way of being is Love - beginning with myself. I know now that only when I deeply and completely love myself I will have the power and capacity to fully love all those around me... including those that hate me and despitefully use me. I am grateful for both of my marriages, both of my husbands, my children, and all those in my life that have helped me have the experiences I need to have in order for me to grow.

Because I choose Love, because I choose to take care of myself first, I have enough "Life Force" and to spare to share with those around me, in a healthy, inter-dependent way. Boundaries are my safe place and I am learning to set those and keep them.

I'm not perfect by any means. There are still days when certain people push my buttons and I get dragged back into the vicious cycle of my story and my victimhood. And I am learning every day how to quickly drop the "story" and the "poor me" and instead respond with the facts, and with love.

I know ways to vent my anger and frustration that don't cause more grief and pain to those that are trying to hurt me. I know they are trying to hurt me because of the hurt they are going through. Instead of retaliating and trying to "get even" or "be right", I am taking care of myself and my needs, and sending love to those around me, praying that they will take on their own healing and recovery from pain.

My Life Force is strong and healing, just like they healed the Crystal in the movie. and I love to share it with those around me. Thanks for reading. I hope you feel my love for you.

Of Snow Plows and Personal Development

Today I am grateful for snow plows.

It was snowing quite a lot in my neck of the woods this morning and I had a meeting to go to. As I was driving along the somewhat plowed roads, I was reminded of an experience I had in college. One day after my classes were done I was heading home in a huge blizzard, with my best friend Liz. We were in my little Plymouth Sundance, and I thought, "I bet the freeways will be nasty to drive home on. We should take the back roads so we can go slower." Seems like a good theory, right? Well, I didn't take into account the fact that usually freeways are the first roads to get plowed, and the back roads are the last.

So, there we were, driving down this 2-lane road in the middle of nowhere, desperately trying to stay in the tracks left by the cars in front of us. There had to be 6 inches of snow built up on the road. Talk about white- knuckling it... and then, of course, I drifted ever so slightly out of the tracks in front of me and BAM - we slid off the side of the road. We looked a lot like this:

On this road back then, the houses were few and far between, and the snow plows were scarce. Luckily, the house that we were closest to had a backhoe and the owners were able and willing to dig my car out of the snow bank and help us get back on the road.

This brought up some reflection for me as I was driving this morning. I thought about how our lives can get weighed down and covered in slippery, slushy, hard-to-maneuver-in muck, just like the roads get when they're covered in snow. Do we like driving in muck, because it's familiar? How does it hinder our progress? What are the dangers of proceeding on an un-plowed road? What about when we're ready to move forward? What can we use to remove that muck? How do we plow the road of our subconscious mind to clear away the slippery, slushy, hard-to-maneuver-in muck that has built up over time?

For me, the answer is personal development. I have come to realize, over the last couple of years, how absolutely vital this practice is in my life. I have found many methods and ways to go about personal development, and I would like to share three of them with you today. Also, keep in mind that the more effective you want to be at clearing the road, the more snow plows you need to use...

1- Books. There are a plethora of books out there about personal development. Some call them "self-help books". Some people make fun of this literature genre. Some people revere it. I have come to rely heavily on it, because I have seen great results in my own life through the things I have read. I love the variety out there - there is literally something for everyone, and if you want the tools to clean up your muck, you will be able to find them.

Here are some of my favorites:

• Remembering Wholeness, by Carol Tuttle
• The Slight Edge by Jeff Olson
• Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
• As a Man Thinketh by James Allen
• Hidden Treasures by Leslie Householder
• The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

2- Energy Clearing. There are also a variety of ways to go about clearing negative energy from your life. I am fascinated with this topic right now and I am learning everything I can get my hands on. I have been on a journey my whole life, trying to find out WHO I AM, what my personal mission is, and how I can fulfill it. I know the basics - I am a Child of God, I am here to learn, and I plan to go to Heaven one day. But, specifically, for me... what are the answers? 

Some of the energy clearing methods that have helped me:

• Rapid Eye Technique
• Tapping (EFT)
• Affirmations
• Energy Circles
• Prayer
• Visualizations
• Completing conversations
• Meditation

3- Workshops. It is amazing how many personal development mentors/gurus/workshops there are out there. It is not hard to find one that will mesh with your goals and ideals and help you to overcome your blocks. But I have found that you can't just go to one and magically be "fixed" or "cured". In fact, there is nothing to "fix" or "cure". And, being around people that are like-minded, that are figuring out things as they go and then sharing them with whoever will listen, is powerful. Staying in the conversation of continual growth and development, and striving to be the best you can be is very powerful. The coolest thing is, you can find these workshops everywhere. You can attend them online, in person, or even over the phone. You just have to be on the lookout!

I love attending workshops. Here are some of my favorites:

• Master of Influence by Kirk Duncan
• Landmark Education
• Aura Personalities by Staci Sadler
• Body Language by Kirk Duncan
• Belief Breakthrough by Heather Madder
• Elevation by Tiffany Peterson
• Dressing Your Truth by Carol Tuttle

So, how do you feel about Personal Development? What are you doing to clear the slippery, slushy, hard-to-maneuver-in muck out of your life? I would love to hear of new ideas, so please comment below!

Nobody Wants Me

My mother told me my birth story the other day. I realized that because of some circumstances that happened that were out of her control, I was basically born with the script of "Nobody Wants Me" ... and it was completely and utterly ingrained in me within my first 24 hours of life. I just realized that is the main script that has been running my life for 35 years!

Ever since then, I have been looking for "evidence" that this idea is true. My sister was born 18 months after me and I was jealous. I would bite her fingers when my mom wasn't looking. After all, my parents must not want me if they decided to have another baby.

During my growing up years I repeatedly heard the story about, "You cried all the time and we didn't know what to do with you. Mom tried everything and nothing made you happy except hanging Christmas lights above your crib. You must have been colicky." They didn't realize that it was because I was immediately taken away from my mother upon birth and didn't see her again for who knows how long?

It was hard for me to make friends when I was younger. I was too "shy". But now I see that it's because I thought that nobody wanted me. I skipped first grade because I could read before I was in Kindergarten, and I was sure that none of the kids in second grade wanted me there. I always "knew" they were jealous that I had skipped a grade. I was the weirdo.

Instead of being happy with the friends I had, I always wanted to have the friends that seemed unreachable. I always wanted to be with the "popular" kids. But I wasn't pretty enough, didn't have the right clothes, wasn't cool, was too smart. So, when they didn't want me I had more evidence!

I never had a boy ask me out until college. I knew there were a couple of boys who liked me in junior high and high school, but they were the "nerds" ... not the super hot, most popular guy in school that I always had a crush on. So, I rebuffed their admiring and I had a crush on the completely unattainable guy instead. Because I knew that "nobody wanted me".

I have been married and divorced twice. So, obviously someone wanted me at one point, but then somehow stopped wanting me. I can choose to let this destroy me, or I can learn the lesson that the Universe has for me to learn.

Why do we do sabotage ourselves? I believe it's because our brains have an insatiable need to "be right" ... We love self-fulfilling prophecies. It is part of the "Natural Man". It's one of the things we need to overcome while we're here.

So, I'm learning to tell myself that God wants me, and I want me, and that's enough. And you know what? I can see plenty of evidence throughout my life of people that "want" me... for a friend, a sister, a mother, and a lover. And I can make that mean whatever I want it to mean.

I choose to feel loved. I choose to feel needed (in a healthy, non-codependent way!). 

I choose to be Wanted.

What do you choose?

Love thy neighbor AS THYSELF

I just learned that my divorce is final, as of yesterday.

I'm not sure whether to be "happy" or sad.

I've worked through most of the sad feelings, the denial, the hurt, the anger, the betrayal, the stress, the shock, the pain, the devastation. I've worked through the feelings that somehow I did it again... I chose another relationship that didn't last. You see, this is my second divorce.

I thought, a few times... what is wrong with me? I know that I got an answer from God both times I got married that I was supposed to marry that person. So, why did things end this way? I thought this would be forever? I thought we were "made for each other".

But, in truth, I didn't really know what love is. I didn't know how to give or receive true love. I didn't know that to love myself was my most important priority. I thought that I had to completely lose myself in the service and love of other people in order to be "enough". In order to be "ok". In order to be "loved".

So, after my first marriage ended, I jumped right into another relationship. I didn't take the time to take care of myself and learn what I could have done differently in choosing my first husband. Consequently, I didn't realize that my second marriage was really just a much stronger form of the codependency that had been feeding my life.

Carol Tuttle, in her book Remembering Wholeness says this:
            "Life is a mirror reflecting back at us what we believe about ourselves. If we don't learn the lesson, the experience will repeat itself and become more and more intense until we pay attention, get the information, and change our beliefs."

Marriage is a work in progress. Both partners have to be committed to the transformation that occurs when the initial attraction, the "eros" wears off. When both of my marriages started to get difficult, I thought that I just needed to try harder, to serve more, to become more. When all of my "changes" didn't work, I would try to "change" my husband. This is not the way to create a deeper connection and stronger relationship.

A year ago I started to learn about codependency. I started to dismantle the careful web of control that I had wrapped around my life. I started to take care of myself, and let others take care of themselves. If felt like my life was imploding. Frankly, it was terrifying. I remember full blown panic attacks, complete with sobbing, hyperventilating, and shaking.

Needless to say, it has been a long and difficult road. I feel like I have been through the wringer. But, as I slowly let go of that control, my energy and vibration started to raise. My eyes started to open for the first time to all that I had attracted into my life. I am learning that the Law of Attraction truly works - in both positive and negative manifestations. We get to choose what we attract.

Most of my life, I have attracted people that "needed" me to "take care of them", because I needed people to take care of. I never realized that the most important person to take care of was myself.

Now - putting yourself first may sound "selfish" to some of you - and the opposite of what you have thought your whole life. What was actually selfish was my way of being. I was like a parasite - not able to function and "be ok" unless I had other people's problems to take care of.

You may have heard of the commandment to "Love thy neighbor AS THYSELF." ... Heather Madder opened my eyes on that one. How can we love another person IF WE DON'T FIRST LOVE OURSELVES?

We can't. We cannot give love to another person if we don't have any love to give. We can only have a reservoir of love big enough to share if we have stocked that reservoir full of love for ourselves first. Of course, we need to love God first. That is the number one priority. And, our loving Father asks us to love OURSELVES, and our NEIGHBORS in return for the love that he gives us.

Carol Tuttle:
            "We come into this world with the need to be validated that we are loveable. We are looking for someone -- primarily our parents -- to tell us that we are important, we are loved and cherished, and that we count, free of any conditions. Even though our spirit knows we are loveable, our cognitive physical self needs to hear that. We need to be validated through our infancy, childhood, and teen years as we move through different developmental stages. If we were not given that message and our environment caused us to feel threatened or unsafe, we are still looking to have the message that we are loveable given to us as adults. We are stuck in patterns of codependency: looking for love and validation outside of ourselves."

"I am worthy of real love. I deserve to be loved and admired by a healthy, loving person. I am attracting people that can and want to create healthy, loving relationships with me. I am ending relationships that cannot be healthy. God loves me, and I love myself."

And that, my friends, is why I know I'll be ok even though I have been divorced twice. Because now I know how to give myself the love and validation that I've been looking for all my life. And I know that I deserve to attract a healthy, loving relationship.

And that is why I can now feel peace and gratitude for the opportunity to move on.